Past Thoughts

It's that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you dread everything. The phone ringing, the knocks at the door. You even dread breathing, cause that means your living. That trembling right before you know you're going to cry but you can't for the sake of your family who's listening on the line, your pride and your sanity. Cause once you break... you're broken. And that one thing you need to fix you... is only a pair of feet stomping all over you... crushing you even further. Little flakes of glass that get ground together under the soles of some heavy shoe. The grinding.

I'm very cold. I can't see straight. My head hurts. "Today just fell apart like everything" I hate guys. You all fucking suck. You are so dumb and confusing sometimes. And sometimes... I wonder why you even exist. Once upon a merry time... I had this discussion with a friend... a guy... who ended up being an asshole... though he has been the only guy I've met that believes that men are only good for one thing: Reproduction. Other than that they should all be locked away. And do I fucking agree with him. That boy had an ounce of some intelligence. And I'm sorry to all my guy friends, cause I love you... but sometimes I just don't know about your sex. And why do I get wrapped up like this... I don't know... I'm just very alone. Lol, I'm doing this for a purpose. This whole site. I don't know what it is... maybe it's a way for me to for once get out what I'm feeling verbally. And no one will listen but maybe. Maybe someone will. And maybe someone will care. And loll, maybe someone will finally understand when I tell them that I'm fucked up.

Something is wrong with me... I'm either having a heart attack, I'm pregnant, or I'm about to start the lovely time of the month... hopefully it's the latter... but as for now... someone KILL me. I feel miserable right now... physically and mentally. God, the thoughts running through my mind... I want to go to the bar tonight, but I'm not, so I just want everyone to leave cause I want to draw... I have some ideas and I want to work on them don't like working on my art around people here. They don't understand me or my art. my art especially... and it's a pain in the ass trying to explain the visions in my head... breathe... 1...2...3... I need to breathe so I don't get ill on my keyboard. I think I'm going to lay down for awhile... I'll probably be back later... not that anyone cares or will read this before then... oh well...

Change. I feel the same, but yet I have changed so much in the past year. While I don't regret who I am, I dread what I will become to be... and you never know just how much change is present until it's time to change again. The people I have met here at school have all made some sort of impact on my life and who I am, and while I doubt the friendships will be that strong in future, I will always remember what was here. The little things that I have grown accustomed to in the past year, are soon to be gone and replaced by something I don't even know what is even possible, or to come... I don't know what this time next week holds for me, or this time next year, and I have never been so scared in my life... some things seem to be falling apart: Friendships, relationships... and some things seem to be falling in place: I'm getting out of this place...

Well I'm back home... home... yeah...it's so awesome...words can not even explain how happy I am...the entire ride home I sat up the entire time, impatient, anticipating scenery that I recognized. And seeing things that I used to see every day or so for 19 years, that I left for a year, and knowing that I was here to stay as long as I like and not forced to go off, hit me so hard... people, places, things, memories.... lots of memories. I have had the best 5 days since I have been home, kicking off this summer to an excellent start... I've organized my life, and while my academic goals are not well defined, I long to do better, and I have nothing but positive outlooks on this summer and the rest of my life. The ironic thing is that now I want to learn, I want to expand my horizons and live life... ironically: I threw away this past semester... but it's my life and my consequences and I'll face up to them, and am living with them everyday...

The only problem I'm having is with my friends not respecting my privacy and letting other people know what my life consists of... especially my sexual adventures...this is my life, and these things are private and meant only for those I choose to tell. Continuously I find out about someone else who knows something, or hear other people's opinions on my actions, or hear from my friends who told so and so... splitting my trust between my friends, and leaving my life out in the open... the funny thing, is that this bother me so much, but yet I also don't care... cause I'm happy now, and I haven't been in a long time...

I'm going to take this opportunity to thank everyone I met this past year at school.... words can not express how much you all have made an impact on my life, and made me the person I am right now.... I learned a lot about friendships, people, and life. And while it might not have all been good, it was there, and I wouldn't change it now for anything. I will miss seeing you guys, but I'll be up all the time to visit next year, and no matter where life takes us, I'll always be somewhere, and we'll always have this fit year and this first experience together... I love you all, and I'll never going to forget bob, trashed off his ass jumping over the table and breaking it, and then throwing shit around, Nate always coming home drunk with nachos or with some new story how he got in trouble, hey Nicole, I'm never going to forget that "if you're drunk, and I'm drunk, it's cool!", Trisha being tied up and all those damn fights between us girls and the guys down in 406, the stoplight party, when randy got on the keg and danced, Louis' dumbness with bud, Landon's giggling, dan the lush, dan h. you're cool...j/k, the night Sarah was worried about and talked to and Tia cause she thought we hated her, but we never did!, mike and Jason's' Backstreet boy routine, our little mock elections, rollin' with everyone, all the parties, the "gayside", the fridges stocked full with bud ice or light or whatever beer we happened to be drinking, all the smoking down in my room...heh... I think we had over 50 different people in our room to smoke out, the weekend at Heather's, balls, fuzzy nut, Tia's tricks, and everything else.... we were a family for a long time, and we had our share of ups and downs... lots of downs.... I'm sorry I withdrew from a lot people this past semester, and if I could go back, I'd probably try not to do that again, but this is how everything turned out... I'm never going to forget this past year, if you guys ever need anything you can come to me!

Heather: I love you so much, probably one of the first and only person I thought was genuine (no offense to anyone else, it's hard to explain), I'm going to miss seeing you, but I know I'll see you plenty this summer and next year... remember we're going to go to each other's weddings and have our own big chill when Celine dies, hehe.... I'm sorry this thing with norm, created a sort of weirdness between us toward the end, cause he's my friend and I love him, and I thought that was really shitty to do, but oh well.... I'm going to miss you soooooooooo much, cause I love you so much, and I know if I ever need someone to go to you'll be there, especially when we're high and we have our own mental connection! I love you honey!

Michele: Well I got you to come here, are you happy you did? I know we had lots of problems this year, but obviously it shows that we are true friends, to still be talking today. So maybe it's a good thing, heh, I don't know. Always know I'm here for you babe, and I'm sorry about a lot of things that happened.... but everything going to be okay! Just remember that, cause it applies to more than one thing!

Jay: You're probably the only person I met this year that I had so much in common with, art, music, beliefs, ideas, etc... and I'm so glad you were there, it made this year a whole lot more enjoyable. I'm truly going to miss you the most, coming over every morning when you woke up, and eating lunch, and smoking down, all those times you invited me to hit whatever bottle you were drinking from and then you'd play guitar, and I hope to see you lots this summer, I know I'll probably see you at a few concerts, and even if I don't... I'm going to track your ass down next year when I come to visit. I think you're extremely cool and awesome, and I already miss you, and I love you! heh :)

Tia: well you already know all that mushy bullshit stuff, but knowing you, you probably want me to put it up here so everyone can know how special you are. Well what is it like 13 years of friendships and you're leaving me now bitch! eh, just kidding, oh well you know that I love you and I will be up next year visiting all the time, and we're going to party hard like fucking rock stars this summer, I think this past year made us closer with all the shit that happened.... everything will be okay, it always is, and when you're married to the bOOb and living in Eastpointe still with your like 5 kids, I'll fly in from London or something with my hunky rock star boyfriend with an accent, and visit you!!! It will be all good, cause I know we're going to be happy with whatever we do, and we'll probably still keep in touch, and I bet when we're old we'll be living at the nursing home together, playing cards or something... heh... well anywayz you know that I love you! k.

Sometimes the things that harm you the most, are simply the things that run through your mind. They can tear you down, walk all over you, and even kill you... or at least make you want to kill you. In the past year, I nearly died... physically and mentally. The past year I was on my own, from my family, and the rules and setting I was put forth with here. I saw things, and experienced things, and thought things I never ever imagined that I would see, think, or know. I think I've taken on some massive responsibilities that my family has no clue of, things I am still dealing with... and then to come back here, and be put back down to what seems to be the responsibility and maturity of a 12 year old. I can not take it, and just when I thought I had my life reorganized and prioritized, this set back, makes me take a mental inventory of what I NEED to do. What I should do first and take care of and everything else I must do... soon. At this point, I'm concerned with finding a job and moving out, but now my parental figures want to have a "talk" tomorrow about my curfew and whatnot. ay! I really need to get my life on track here. I know what I want, and it all seems within my grasp, I just need to find it and define it.... this one slip of the mind, is tearing my apart. I'm lonely. I need someone. I'm constantly going back to that one person, who doesn't deserve what I feel for him and I just need someone, for times like this, that doesn't care as long as he is with me. I have the greatest friends, who love me for me I know, but I need to fill that other empty space, and overtime I get depressed like this, I think of just one thing....

Why am I constantly wanted for sex or sexual favors... and while its not constant, it's more then any other want. Do I give off this impression, am I truly a slut. I just for once would love to be wanted and desired for my mind and intellect, my talent, and what's inside. I don't want to have fun anymore. Well I do, but I want to have fun with someone. With one person. I need someone to know me, to be there for everything, and that I can tell everything to. I just need someone.... eh, god I'm so lonely.

Okay. Fuck that. I might be lonely, but I can still have fun. Working now, no curfew now. Am fucking esthetic like things are looking up or something. Crazy shit. I hate work though, well it's better than past jobs, it's just exhausting standing on my feet for 8 hours, 5 days a week. Old people who are nice, but also real weird about my god damn lip ring: Fuck all of you! I like it, it's cool. Other than that... who knows....

As much as I talk shit about guys, especially the guys I have dated. I owe a lot to them. Cliff: For getting me into techno music... I don't think I could survive without that shit ever. It's so incredible to me and dancing lets me let go of my mind, and just flow into the music. Creating such this perfect utopia in my mind. Fucking incredible natural high. Ryan for my drug addiction, this beautiful thing makes me so mind numbing relaxed, stress-free, and happy. And all the rest for some awesome memories, like all the times hanging out with pat and Adam. I love them guys so much. I'm getting so dumb. Guys fucking suck. And I'm fucking lonely. here. I don't know. They're good for one thing. Sex.

I see things in my mind in the form of a movie. Sometimes I think that I was guided toward the field of art, to recognize how perceptive my vision is. I worry on whether and audience would enjoy the films I see in my mind, since they would be based around things I know, added with the stereotypical movies, love, pain, lesson, etc... but then again I think they would be awesome Indie films. I don't know. It's something I'm definitely thinking about...

His is the first name that flashes through my mind just when I'm about to lose it. He was the person my age, and in my life, and throughout my emotions, that I looked up to for guidance, support, trust, respect. and love. He was my first in so many things that are daily in my life at this moment, while he is not anything but a long long painful reminder, of the innocence I once possessed(which I know may be difficult to comprhend), these things remind me of where I am. Do I owe this person my life? Or do I owe this person the life I've almost lost because of things that may have led to my near downfall? I need this person right now, and though it's not to happen. I don't know what to do. I believe I should thank them for me, but me knows from one too many times. This is for me to just hope he'll know how I truly feel...

The fucking me, that today wanted to sink into the floor and never come back up(that could have been the acid talking)... and if I was to surface, I would pray that it was in a time where all this baggage I carry now, not just with love, but with family, social, finanical, legal matters, would be gne and long forgotten. I'm trying so hard to survive without breaking... I'm afraid it's too late... "how I wish you were here..."

Alright. So where am I now? I don't know. I miss school, independence, friends, location. Everything about school. What I wouldn't do to go back and relive this past year. While I'd do many things differently, I had the most fun I have ever had in my life, there. I miss everything. I'm in this mode of reminiscing about past time. I need to quit this shit, but it's so hard. I'm stuck in this time of depression and hatred towards bad descisions and mistakes I have made in the past 2 years. They've all added up and hit me here. I know I can get clear of this mess, it's just a matter of time. And I have little patience to do it. Since high school graduation I've been on a steady downhill path towards destruction, It's about time I pulled myself together to do what I know I can do well and to the fullest. I sound like some fucking cracked out self-help thing, but it's the truth. I just want to have fun, and I can't do that until I let loose of some of this baggage. Soon hopefully.

I had the best and worst drug experience last night. I also had an interesting conversation with a completely sober individual who has never and will never touch anything, except for the popular alchohol. Which, beyond reasons I know, society believes is an acceptable habit, legalizes it, and watches people die everyday from it's use. While potheads, peaceful people, get harassed and prosecuted for a man-made, natural plant, which has benefitial health consequenses, and that cannot be linked to a single death in it's some 5000 years of recorded use. Anyways. I have never been so exhililerated in my life, for a good 5 hours, laughing uncontrollably, seeing awesome images, having a blast. Then going to 5 hours of complete misery. A slpitting headache. I could feel the blood pouring out in rivers from my brain. The nausea... awful. But I would do it again, well not right away. It is such a good time, and this sober individual could never imagine using something that could fuck up your life, your existance. But why not? I could die tomorrow, tonight in my sleep. Next year by cancer. Five years from now in a car accident. Who knows, but at least I'm having fun. Ignorance can not be bliss, if you're closed off from reality, everyday life, everyone around you.

I came home early tonight. I have school tomorrow. I came home so early, my entire family was up. Yet this was unusual, usually one or two of them have nodded off by this time, but no, not tonight. It was family night, with the exception of me(isn't it always like that?), and all the lights were on, the bird was chirping away, and there in a semi-circle around the television sat my mother, father, brother, and aunt.

Today's media overexaggerates everything. Quick to blame others, quick in competition. It's hard to believe that anything on the t.v. was even filmed for entertainment. This survivor bullshit. There was a countdown live on the radio until the winner was declared. My family was bonding over this crap. Should all life as we know it stop for one very lucky person, not me and not you, and probably not anyone we know, get a million dollars, why we all sit here, trying to work it to make ends meet. This guy got to play Gilligan's Island for six weeks. Hard shit. How about that Young American's show on the WB, hello? 30 year old guys playing teenagers. It doesn't work anymore, neither does the perfect hair and make-up, perfect poetic speech, happy endings. Not in this world. Is there anything important happening in the world today. right now??? I'm sure there is.

I don't think there is anything more true than a person's feelings. If what you feel now makes or breaks today, it changes everything. It creates time, experience, life. No matter how fickle one can be, moody, or the ever-changing course of feelings. They create the passion and desire to be what you are and to do what you do. Sort of an instruction manual for life. I always doubted my feelings, or denied them. And no one should do that. If everyone communicated thoughts and emotions, maybe this world would be a lot more miserable or maybe a lot more happy. Think of all the times you dreaded honesty, and all those times you craved it.

I hate those dreams. The ones where you don't ever want to wake up and when you do, you get incredibly pissed off and depressed because they seemed more real than right now. You and me both sitting here at some chair, alone, reading my miserable and lonely thoughts. It's what I secretly wish for in the back of my mind but shut out. His touch. and His smile. And the shivers I would get if He would ever kissed me again.

He had me, and He never understood how much I hurt and how much I felt. Never. But he took advanatge over what little He did know. He always expressed the love He had for other girls who went and hurt Him, and to me, He had that power they all had over Him, over me and the other unfortunate souls who have fallen weak to Him. All the time and devotion... I really think every person gets fucked up by one person. And He is my one person. My inability to trust anyone or open myself up to have anyone has been seriosuly destroyed because of the many times I opened up myself and gave myself to Him mentally which He devoured, and spit back out again and again. As history repeates itself, I long for the time when He will come back again, and as much as I'd like to be strong enough to deny Him, I know I'll let Him back in... I would give anything right now, to fall asleep in His arms.......the worst part is that He doesn't even know or understand how I feel...