...I am colorblind...coffee black and egg white...pull me out from inside...I am ready... I am taffy stuck and tongue tied...stutter shook and uptight...pull me out from inside...I am ready...I am fine... I am covered in skin...no one gets to come in...pull me out from inside...I am folded and unfolded and unfolding... I am colorblind...coffee black and egg white...pull me out from inside...I am ready...I am fine...Today
Thursday February 22nd 2001
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Lyrics: "Colorblind" Counting Crows This Desert LifeWebcam Image:
News/Updates: Main page update todayThe List (just what i'm thinking about...) : 1. Alan.
2. Work. Yuck.
3. Certain people... like Andy...
5. Trying to better my life.
6. There are some girl scout cookies on my kitchen table, I don't know if I should eat them, I want one.
7. Everything is slowly falling apart again I think.
8. The DIA I love it.
9. I don't want to do anything, just lay in my bed all day today, but I can't.
10. "Colorblind" by the Counting Crows, it's such a beautiful song.
11. I'm a liar.
12. Alan.
13. What to eat for breakfast.
Thoughts: The first thought I had this morning when I woke to a state of full consciousness, was of Him. And the first thing I wanted to do was to sit here and write. I've wanted to write, but I've been putting it off I guess. Like trying to put off the thoughts in my head.This song is so beautiful, by the Counting Crows. Absolutely beautiful and simple. There is piano playing, it's the srongest instument, now that I listen to it, I think it is the only instrument. It's so sad sounding.
Everyday, I think about Him. I think I have too much time on my hands, but whenever I get ready to begin to try and get everything better, I get discouraged or upset about something. It kinda ruins everything. I was on such a good track this week, and then I began thinking. I've found also that I think too much. Analyze everything too much. It's extremely annoying to me, and I feel sorry for anyone that has to put up with me.
I was thinking about how we first met. When I walked into the coffee house I dind't know which one was you cause there were so many guys sitting by themselves, but I picked out the green sweater and figured it was you. Hehe. I didn't think you were that cute, but then you gave me change cause I didn't have anything, and that was so nice. And as the night went by, I just kinda opened up I guess. Your smile, and your eyes, and you were smart and sweet. I can't even believe how much time we spent together that first night, at the coffee house, and the park, and then your parent's house, and how we talked for hours... I didn't end up coming home until 5:30 the next morning. I've never talked like that with anyone, just talked for hours and hours. IN front of a fire. And you asked me if you could kiss me, it was so nice.
I can't believe that you hardly seem to care at all about me. I guess this was always my problem, when people leave me. Denial. I can hardly believe you've been able to shut me out and ignore all this. How can you think that we were possibly time spent well now, when we don't even talk or communicate at all? I suppose you've thrown yourself into your work and your house. And part of me hopes that you are very very lonely. I still come online everyday and hope that maybe there's a message from you or that you've looked at my website. Neither ever happening. I suppose it's your lack of time, but I feel as though this is what shows you don't care.
I wonder if this is really actual feeling or just a justification in the difference in our ages. The way you seem to cope with this, unlike me. I wonder if "this" is even anything to you. I doubt that, but I don't know. I mean I'm trying and trying to get past this. Everyday, I'm fine, until I begin to think and think and think more. Do you even think about me anymore? When we were going to seperate for that week and I told you to stop thinking about me, you said you couldn't do that, because you liked to think about me. Do you still feel that way? I do about you, but not this past month but all the great things that we did, and all the amazing things I felt.
You told me that you didn't think you would be fortunate to fall in love twice. Does that contain any sort of bullshit? I never thought this is were we would be. I thought we could get through everything, and I thought that even if it ended, that we would still be friends.
I went to the DIA yesterday. My cell phone isn't on anymore. I miss the cats. I miss playing Tony Hawk. I miss getting messages from you, or expecting you to call. I miss dinner, and I miss you. I miss everything. And I don'y want to be here in this state of mind. I want to be truly, fully happy again. You...damn. I did it again. This wasn't supposed to be to you.... I wish you could read through all the offline messages my computer saved. Most of them being from you, a few from some assholes before I started talking to you. I want you to read through my archived thoughts on here. I want you to care what's going on with me. I want to know what you think about, and what's going on in your life. I want you to want me back. I want us back.
Oh yeah... remember the pic, see the smile, see the grrr...
You can ignore me though... I can almost taste just how selfish and annoying I'm being....it's sick....