Archive:Thoughts

October 18th 2000

I've had so much stuff going through my head these past few weeks, that I haven't able to write. I'm scared to even start, afraid that I'm going to lose everything I've thought about.

Nine Inch Nails. Trent Reznor is the most beautiful creature on the face of this earth. And Pretty Hate Machine is godliness. "You make this all go away." I can not even begin to concieve and describe what this cd makes me feel. Most of it in particular is directed towards a specific person in my personal perspectives.

I'm sick. And I don't think it was the little hot tub, rainy, party outside, in the 30 degree weather. It's the stress.

"I just want something I can never have". That is it. Right there. I want something I know I can never have. What is wrong with me. Why am I thinking about this. Fucked up. "Grey would be the color, if I had a heart." I wonder if my lack of relationships and happiness is due in part that I feel uncapable of trusting people. Do my friends really talk about me behind my back. "Just a fucking faded reminder of what I used to be." If I fall in love with him, is it worth the damage. To myself. Cause it will end up like everything else before. And what I feel should be the truth, before I put myself out once and again, for that "faded reminder". What I feel, is what I know. And what I have known ever seriously, in my mind, in the lies, and the wasted energy, has been Ryan. Always. 2 years. I came from nothing to what I am now. In these two years. Everything has happened in these two years. My art. My style. My drug choices. My habits.

I want to fuck Trent Reznor.

I think I'm holding on to life by a sliver of a strand of thread.

I went to church today. Period. I shouldn't have to say much more. I fucking hate that shit. Today was one of them great lectures on how divorce is bad. Morally wrong. Believe in forgiveness. Bullshit. We live in the new millineum. The year 2000. There are billions and billions and billions of people in this world. To constrict yourself to one person, of even if you can, others may not. One person out of those many. Is that person really the one? What if that one isn't really the one, and you're one is on the otherside of the world, but you don't even know and never will cause you never visited it over there. I don't know. I guess I just ask too many questions.

My eyes are fucked up. Like a permanet acid trip. I'm stuck with my yucky glasses.

And I'm giving up. On everything remotely connected with love and sex. I believe those things only happen to lucky people. And for some reason bad luck as been bestowed on me.

I'm not even going to try and defend myself anymore. Or explain the things I do. Or care what people say. Just keep it all to myself. Let everyone think I'm some psycho bitch with major gucking problems. I'm not, but no one cares to hear me or try to understand me.

I am a whiny bitch, though.

I used to be strong about everything. I could handle it. I can't though. I can not take being involved in other people's fucked up mind games, in other people's fucked up lives. It made me incredbly sick tonight to sit through the completely fucked up problems of my friend. Well she's supposed to be my friend. Instead she talks about me behind my back, lies, and is trying to take my best friend of 15 years. I don't think so. I couldn't even take tonight though, my head still aches at all the screaming. And to tell the honest truth, I know my friend had no reason to flip out like shit did, but she did anyways. Attention I think it's for. And that is sick. People who starve for attention, and whats even worse is when everyone sees right through it. How can you exist living your life as in competition or a struggle to be loved and constantly fawned over. It isn't like that.

Of course it isn't like that. People push everything inside of them and ignore it.

Novermber 1st 2000

No one wants me, I've concluded. Thats it.

I need to get laid. At first I just want that raw animalistic passion of sex but then the more sensitive side, wants to be with someone, to be with them. To become one, and feel that person both physically and mentally.

I don't know... I guess anything would be good right around now.

November 2nd 2000

I'm really digging that Nelly Furtado song, "I'm Like a Bird". She's got a great, original voice...

I used to love the taste of Him. To me, his lips had such a distinct taste. Cigarette smoke, joints, air, food, words, life. Everything that was him could be expressed in his face. His mouth, His eyes. He had this smirk. And his eyes, bright, clear(when they weren't all red), blue... would just light up. Even to this day he still has that power over me when I see that smile. and when I see those lips I just want to kiss them, and look at His face, taking note of every line, blemish, hair... everything. Just for times like this when it's been so incredibly long since I held him or anyone for that fact. This is when those things come back in full force.

November 3rd 2000

I'm really digging that Nelly Furtado song, "I'm Like a Bird". She's got a great, original voice...

I'm so fat. I swear...

I had the most intellectual conversation with a friend... we usually don't get this deep and think that hard... though it was planey difficult tonight, when the other person has these half-assed, paranoid conspiracy theories. She believes that the computer is evil, the downfall of civilization as we know it. I tend to disagree. While Bill Gates just ight be the antichrist, I'm positive our world today could not exist, well obviously... I don't know... I'm not into the intlligent thoughts tonight... my brain is fried beyond belief. I just want to pass out. Heh, two days of sobriety and two full days of work kicked my ass.... heh

I'm supposed to go out tomorrow, and do something I haven't done in a long time. Meet someone from the internet... it's quite scary, these things. Who knows what sort of people you can meet online... and online is such an ungly abstract form of communication. It lacks emotion, among other things. Yet why is it, that some people can have the greatest impact on you. Your attitudes and feelings towards things, such as art, and love, and just being. I know along the way I have "met" some extremely interesting people, and am proud to say that I have had friends online longer than I've had some friends in "real life". I don't know...my negative attitude and scarring(scary barry) online past leads me to believe that what goes on online, and offline in one's life should never cross the border. It's better to leave things like that, things that have no current form in one's "real life", life off the computer, in their own place. Afterall, when you're online, you're forced to approach every person with an army of questions, worry constantly whether or not the other person in conversation knew whether or ot you were joking or not.

I don't know about that either... heh... all I do know is that I'm extremely scared and worried, and doubtful about this experience.... :::signs::: I need to go to bed and finally get a full night of sleep.

November 5th 2000

I don't know what my obsession with Manson is lately. I was never really interested in his music, besides his major hits, but this summer I began to like it a little bit more whenever Lauren played it. Finding out he was playing the State Theater nearly gave me an orgasm. Seeing such a amazing presenc ein such a small venue, one who could probably sell out a larger venue such as the Palace or such. Crazy! I can not wait, and my growing MP3 list of Manson songs proves it... I really should go and get some of his cds...

Hmmm... so I met that person last night... the one that I met online, through the Yahoo Personals of all things. Funny that I never took that thing as seriously as it was meant to be. I never planned on actually meeting anyone from it, unless for some act of luck and fate turned out to be ncredible cool and amazing... I never actually intended to meet anyone off the internet again... but I'm extremely glad that I did.

I owe a bit of it to a little voice from heh... Florida, who encouraged me to go for it, that it might surprise me. So I thought what the hell, I have nothing to lose...

I'm trying hard to get the smile off of my face, that has been popping up all day. Crazy it is! I tell you, crazy. In the end though it's all good I guess. I didn't expect it to actually turn out as well as did, because of this fact, part of me is positive there has to be some trick or something awfully wrong. I really don't want to dwell on that possibility, but I don't want to let my guard down at all.

The whole night was honestly incredible. I've never grown so comfortable around somone so fast, it's usually so difficult for me to meet new people. And usually the guys I date or are interested in stem from my friendships.

Heh, and those butterfly things. You know that feeling in that stomach, sometimes it feels so uneasy but it's the excitement and nervousness and happiness all rolling around. It truely is a good thing.

I'll probably write more later....

November 12th 2000

I'm in such a bad mood now. I fucking hate people. It's not a good idea to get all wasted and then talk to a sober person. And especially not get all emotional. What's the point? The sober person can see right through the other, to their motivation... and everything just comes out all messed up. I understand when you're intoxicated, it's usually the best, well not the best, but an easier time to tell one how you truly feel. But really... I've never quite had someone just unleash on me. Scary it was. Attacking my style, my loves, my life, the decisions I make. Everyone likes to be a critic, but I just wish everyone would leave me alone. I'm trying to put everything back together... slowly... but at least I'm rebuilding my life. I might not meet the expectations or standards of my parents, but why can't anyone see that I'm happy right now. That I'm trying. It really gets discouraging when I constantly hear about my fuck ups, and lack of gratitude towards the rigth places. I think the thing that some people forget, is that the biggest critic, is always oneself. The things I think about, constantlly... all day at work, in the car, before I fall asleep, when I write here... these things drive me fucking crazy. Finishing the community service, paying off my debts, going to school, working on my art, improving myself and my life, my realtionships with friends, family, and people in general, becoming independent. These all haunt my mind, day in and day out. The last thing I want or need is someone else telling me all that I already know about my life....

Anywayz... on a happier note. I'm falling so hard for Him. It's so crazy, how happy I am now, or when I'm with him. And among all those thoughts I listed above... lately He has been at the top of the list. I feel good when I'm around him, and it's nice to feel that way. It's nice to be happy in general. Fuck people man. No one can even see that... some of my closest friends can not be happy for me because 'm happy, only jealous because their happiness has faded in the way of fucking pregnancy. It's not my fault you fucked a major loser unprotected, so don't take it out on me. :::sign::: Alright... enough bad thoughts... I think I just need sleep and to be away from negative, slef-righteous people. There are more important things in this world like art and music and things like that... heh... alright... time to sleep....

November 22nd 2000

November 17th 2000

:::signs in pure content and happiness::: I am so happy. Heheh... I'm in love. :) I don't know. I'm just incredible, unbelievably happy. Of course, I'm frightened to death. Words are so easy to let out, it's what supports them in thought and feeling that truly gives them any meaning. I mean I could easily tell the next person I love them, but would I really mean it? Probably not unless it was one of my dear friends or a family member. There is just something however... with Him. I don't know how to explain it, and words could never fully grasp the concept of it all. It comes from everywhere... touch, and affection, and understanding, and appreciation. Everything... I wish there was a way to fully express this idea... I really wish I was back in an art mode where I could create from my thoughts into a visual image.

And the taste! hehehe.... back in the thoughts I once wrote about the taste of Ryan... and now that is just some extremely faded memory. The taste on my lips... not just a physica thing but that is everything. It takes me bck to the feelings I feel when I am with Him, and all I want is more of Him.

I think I have found all the little things that I have experienced in many guys and all that I have desired in that of the oposite sex or in a relationship to this one person. It still seems crazy to comprehend, but maybe my lack of good experiences have sheltered and scarred me from believeing this could actually be my turn to be in love, and my turn to be happy. I don't really want to think too badly aout it all but I would give anything to make this work out. I'm not talking about forever or anything quite serious. I'm enjoying this and Him, and myself for once. More optimistic on things, I guess you can say my negative perspective on love and dating has gone.

November 23rd 2000

I love tripping. Having absolutely no control over your stupidity, your senses, your mind. It's such a release. And I know, I know drugs are bad, but this one if just too much fun. Anything that makes you laugh uncobnrtollably and see fucked up shit, has to be pretty interesting. I was seeing water and waves in the ceiling, and everything as moving, such as the screen on the computer, even though it wasn't mnoving The best though was being able to shut my eyes, and eliminate all th visual images in my mind- damn it. the family is here. great.... be back later...

November 29th 2000

I've decided to close some books in my life. Starting with the past. I know I have a few more things to finish before I can completely close that part, but as for friendships, it's time to move on. I'm not willing to pet any effort to the friendships I made while up at Central. Perhaps a few, but for the most part, they were all superficial. I'm not into the catching up bullshit every few months, and I don't care about the same stuff like work and school, but after such distance these things are bascially what anyone can know about the other. Generally. And in the end it's just a waste of breath. Fuck that. Any one of you that may read this from school, I'm sorry and I'm not. I alwasy questioned the realness of life at Central, and I've only know concluded that while that first year was fun and it was great, it was one year, an awful year for some, and one I really would like to forget. I still have all those pictures to reflect on, but I'm putting those behind me. No one trying to be friends with people who don't have the time for me, and who I don't have the time for. And that is not friendship.

I also need to quit being lazy. I'm slowly, slowly picking up the financial peices of my life, but for the next few months it's going to be hard. Work sucks, and I am a firm believer in enjoying your work. Well I don't. Therefore I look forward to leaving or not going in. I should have worked this last semester since I failed out, but no. I'm a big lazy asshole and now I have to make up for it in the next month. Classes have been scheduled for next semester and it's going to be hard. I'm going to have to work early in the morning and school the rest of the day. It will be a full time schedule, and it will be hard. Luckily all my classes are art classes, and hopefully He will live a lot closer so it saves on time and gas(just a subtle hint, but I still love you and enjoy driving that way, I'll just be very happy when it's closer). So once I get my finances straightened out a bit... I'll work on the community service and the alcohol rehab... then once that is done. I will be worry free. :::signs::: I can't wait.

I'm really getting tired of people's opinions and remarks towards me and my choices. I know it would be hypocritical to say that I don't talk about people, I just like to think I tell it their face. So fuck you! For thinking I get attacthed to quikly. And fuck you for thinking that I move to fast.... all I can conclude is that certain indivudals are jealous. I would be too, cause I have been jealous of you guys at one point or another. I just don't understand... I haven't been involved with anyone for a long time, why the constant critism for doing what is making me happy, being with someone that makes me happy. If only I can express what I feel with this person. Everything, from love, happiness, desire, passion, confidence, encouragement. I still get shivers when I think about Him ad how exciting it all is.

And to top it all off, I've been working! On art that is. I'm so incredibly excited. It's not the best quality but it's a start. I am so excited t start school in the winter. My schedule is full of art classes and then I will be back at it again... :::signs contently::: I think thing are falling into place...

I need to try to sleep. I have to go to work in a few hours. I want to keep writing though... I want to do so much stuff, but I guess sleep would be a good start.

December 12th 2000

"you know I love you so...." .....:::signs:::..... i'm so content, so happy. with so many aspects of my life. i'm so content, and happy... that i'm in crazy about someone. I've never ever been one to express emtion very well, even to my closest friends. And now I wish there was a way possible to express this amazing feeling of love. Especially to convey this to the person who makes me feel this way. Sometimes I think about everything that has happened in the past few months, and the last month or so with Him, and I feel excited and amazed and wonder why? Why am I so lucky to have found someone that I like so much, and have them return the feeling? I'm constantly worried, that I'm living in a sort of dream state, for I have never been so lucky and fortunate when it came to relationships and love. Everyday, I remind myself, that I deserve this, that this is right. And sometimes, I just know. Sometimes I worry about the age difference... the experience difference, but then again I am so comfortable in this relationship that even the things that I have little to no experience with, I want to learn and go through with Him, because he makes me so comfortable. Is that understandable? :::signs::: I don't even know what to write, there is so much floating in my mind right now and yet it all disappears when I go to translate it on here....

Another religious rant(ignore if you'd like): Alright. So I was sitting in church again on Sunday, listening to the priest's sermon, on being a humble person and not judging others and not having a negative attitude towards people even if they have wronged you, and this is the key to heaven. Ugg... I hate that. I don't believe it is fully possible for a person to deny feelings as anger and resentment, and jealousy. It's human nature to get pissed off and hurt and all that negative energy. So who has any right to judge another on these feelings, who has the right to instruct another being to deny these urges. Ridiculous I think, that people actually believe this is the way to go. I understand it's supposed to bring out the good, but you don't have to constrict your number one right as a human, the right to feel, to just good thoughts and feelings. Wouldn't that make the world a happy place if we were all good hearted and spirited and thoughtful. Wouldn't that make the world a perfect place. And isn't there no such thing as a perfect world. So why try. No in our lifetime willwe ever see a perfect world, and completely happy world.... because some people are smart! And would rather not waste the energy TRYING to be happy and humble and just let themselevs be....

This is the problem with writing whatever comes to my mind... I forget what I wrote before and I don't organize the thoughts very well... oh well... a feeble attempt and some constructive thoughts.... maybe some other time... I want to play some more Dope Wars anyways....

December 19th 2000

This is for you. I'm sure no one else will see this, after all this site is just among my friends, really, and they don't come here, perhaps a few, but well it doesn't matter anyways, cause I know you'll come here, and I'm up and I want to write out everything I'm feeling and thinking. Your picture is sitting in front of me, and I can't help but looking.... more like staring at it. Something about it, reminds me of that very very first day I met you in person. I don't know how to describe it, or what it is, but it's new and it gives me those butterflies again, and it makes me so incredibly happy to know you like I know you now. Plus I'm just entirely happy to have a picture of you that I can actually see you clearly, and your eyes. heheh.

Looking at those pictures, really, well it didn't bother me and it did. It's just weird. I don't know how else to explain it, but it's weird seeing you with her, and I had all these visuals about her and you, and then seeing then pictures... and not just any pictures but your weddding pictures... I never understood how people can hurt other people and play with emotions and feelings, lie and pretend... I've had it happen to me a lot, and I hate knowing that you went as far to profess a feeling so great by ways of marriage. I'm not a big one on marriage, or never thought I was, but to promise to love another for you entire being is quite scary and quite a commitment. I hate knowing that you felt this way, even through the doubts, and you got hurt the way you did. I don't understand that, I don't understand how someone could hurt you, but then again, for the past 2 1/2 years I have thought the same way about myself. Why did I always have to be the one hurt? And why couldn't I find anyone that was honest and not so wrapped up in themselves? And I would not do that to anyone because I know how it felt. I hate that you were hurt because I don't want you to feel bad, I don't want you to hurt. You're too good of a person to have went through all that, and you're too good of a person to me, that I can never imagine hurting you. Does that make sense at all?

I'm just scared, I guess. At this time in all my past relationships I would be crying and depressed and hurt again. I know she won't be coming back into your life as in the rold I play now, but what if? What if she deicded she wanted you back just as qucikly as she deicded that she no longer wanted to be uh... well you know... coulld she just come back and replace me, I mean, after all, you were married to her at one point. You had those feelings. I don't doubt you. And I do trust you. I am falling deeper and deeper in love with you. And I do not want to lose that, not for a very long time. I'm scared it's becoming almost an addiciton and I'm trying to force myself to stop just in case something bad does happen. I don't know.

All I know is that... 1.) ...I love you 2.) ...I don't want to lose us. 3.) ...You're so incredibly cute. 4.) ...I love spending time with you. 5.) ...I could keep going on and on. :)

I am overcome with emotion at times, for you. It's crazy. Sometimes I feel so incredibly in love with you, and so incredibly amazed by everything, and sometimes I feel so incredibly lucky to have met you, and thankful that I have. Is this crazy? Since we've only known each other a short time? I'm not sure, and I'd rather not question this. If I feel this good then I want it to last. So I guess the best thing is just to take it one day at a time.

I think the thing that bothered me about the pictures, is seeing you, happy, smiling, and when I look at your eyes, I try to think about what you're thinking. And the thing that strikes me, is that I didn't know you, and you never could have ever imagined that right now, here today, is where you would be. You had someone. Last year on whatever day it was that you got married, I was probably up at school, wasting away, and all I had was the enormous desire to be with someone, to be loved, and wanted, and respected. I just wanted someone. I think about how it's strange how we met, how this has to be an act of fate or something. If you really think about it. It's amazing. I think that's why I'm so thankful that I met you because there were so many things that could have prevented us from ever meeting. If I had never met you, I'd probably still be where I was, lonely, depressed, and a huge fucking pot head. :)

So... alright... I think I actually got it all now. I went to sleep and thought about this some more, and had this big revelation but I didn't want to get back up again and turn on the computer and everything, so I waited until today. Yep. That's it.

Well and that I love you.

December 22nd 2000

I don't know what's wrong with me. I think it's the snow. I fucking hate the snow. It ruins everything. Fucking snow. It's evil.

I'm going on vacation. Yippe fucking yay. I'm looking forward to this for two reasons and two reasons only. Warm weather and the fact that I can lay out on the beach all day for a whole entire week and ignore everyone and just read and listen to my music. Unfortunately. I'll be with my family. And I refuse to be a good sport. I went on this vacation only so they wouldn't be pissed at me. I wanted to stay home. I was going to have a party, and sleep in, and not go to church, and sit on my couch in the living room and smoke pot, and smoke cigarettes in my house. That was what I was going to do. No now I'm going to Florida. To make my parents fucking happy for the holidays. Today I get the "you better not make this vactaion miserable" speech. Right cause I'm just an emotional wreck these past few months. Well FUCK YOU. You always wanted the fucking perfect daughter. Well you think I'm not good enough now, what would you do if you knew about the warrant and all that court shit I WENT THROUGH BY MYSELF. What about all the drugs I do and all the drug paraphenilia hiding in my room. And my grades, wouldn't you love to know that I have now failed two semesters of school. All because I'm a fucking bum and a loser. And it doesn't help when you fucking treat me like a child. I'm not a child and by this time next year I will not be living here anymore. There goes your fucking child.

All right, I don't want to talk about that anymore. Sorry. heh. Just pent of frustrations. You know when you start to think about one thing, all the other things just kinda follow along. Nasty little way of life I guess. God I'm fucking bored and cold. I guess I should just go to sleep. Nothing else to do...

]A week doesn't seem like that long.... and it does. I'm already thinking about coming home. I guess I just have to try and make the best of it... anyways.... maybe I'll add more later. If not, if anyone actually comes here and read this, I hope you have a Merry Christmas.

Alan- I miss you alreay.... Why did you have to get sick today? Why not tomorrow... no today. :( Well I hope you feel better... I can't wait to see you. I'll send you a postcard... I wasn't able to get a phone card, so I don't know how I'm going to call you. I'm not bringing my phone, so maybe I'll be able to call enough just get you my number there... if not I don't know when I'll talk to you. :( :( :( but I love you and I hope you feel better. :x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x

January 26th 2001

Monday, December 25th 2000: "I miss you terribly right now. It feels like it's been so long that I almost don't know you- silly as that might sound. I've been looking at your picture, at all the places I've been so close to and studied during some of our intimate times.... all the places I long to touch and kiss right now, just so I can feel you in aphysical way... to know you are there. I've never had this, I've never had someone to miss and it's awful and I hope I never have to endure this again, at least not for a long long time. It seems like days and days until I get to see you and the comfort I have tonight, is knowing that in one week from now I will be with you again, near you. I'm having a sleepless night again... I honestly believe I'm falling in love with you so incredibly hard, if I'm not at that point already. I've determined it's the only way to explain how I feel, why I feel... I like ache for you. It's awful. All I hope is that you feel just as I do. I want you to tell me you love me, and I want to hear your voice. I want to tell you all this. I think you're the one who makes me stay up to these god-awful hours, cause all I do is think about you... I need to sleep. I need you..."

I've decided I can express more when I write rather than when I speak.

Tuesday, January 23rd 2001: "I was going to resign duties on my website. I found it hard to write(find time for too) anything while I've been happy these past few months. Being happy and carelessly happy at that, feels like a ginat cloud that just floats through my mind, trippy, yet comfortable and enjoyable haze. As much as I've tried not to let it invade all of my head, I've been a victim through the worse form of happiness, love. I've constantly refused to let myself fall into the neediness and dependence I had seen this awful emotion that had dieseased my friends. Regardless, I let it creep into me. And here I am dependent, and I have so terribly and hoelessly fell so incredibly hard for someone that just so amazes me. Hitting this part in our relationship is so awful. It's that time for me in which the end is severly near or just recently past. I'm scared. Tremendously worried the end is to come, or even concerned about things ot even concerning me, such as physical and mental strain for you. I want so much to be there for you. So back again to this website. I found it difficult to write happy, easier however to full from pain, the past, countless thoughts, I've collected through the lonely days and nights. Through the face of happiness I've had someone to turn to. I've never had things just slip out of my mouth, I've never wanted to share. I've never enjoyed silence s much as I have with this one person, you. Just sitting there, I may not have anything to say, but to know I could turn around and lay out on my next thought or some inner secret or fear is astounding. So now I'm here again, but not all the way. If what I have to do now is let you be and succeed in your career. If what I have to do is to sit back burner and wait, I will. I don't want to lose this and I don't want to lose you."

Funny, I wrote that two days ago. Stangely accurate. I have so many things going thorugh my mind, and I always forget major parts. I've been listening to Rent alot. Mulitple times a day actually. Today I nearly busted out in tears at work, cause I was listening to it, and sometimes it just hits me. The meaning, the imaination of living that life and loving someone, and being a starving artist, and being diseased. Through it all, the one thing everyone is learning, is that there may not be a tomorrow or 5 years from now, there is only today. And today only. Sure the concept is difficult to understand I mean society generally lives life in preperation,but preperation for what? To be old, and crippled. School, jobs, all that. What does it all really matter, if you aren't happy with your life. Shouldn't you be happy. Aren't you entiled to be happy. And while I agree with this, I still live life in preperation. Well because you know in reality, I need an education and I need money in order to live. So I try to apply that attitude towards people and trying new things. You only live once, and you never know when or what could happen, that might affect the rest of your life.

I'm happy. I've never found a way to truely express that to you. Just how happy you've made me. I've been thinking a lot this week. And the things I've done, the regrets and mistakes, and the ugly relationships, and all that. I would go back and do it all again if it led me right back to this point, just so I could meet you. And I would go through it all if it meant that you never would have to experience any hurt or pain, never went through the hurt of you marriage. Everything. Thats how thankful I am to you, for helping me get my world back on track, even if you didn't do anything, but have crazy sex with me, and told me you loved me, and just let me have so much fun with you. I know that seems like an outrageous wish, but you are a good person, Alan. I wanted so much to tell you that I hated you today, I wanted to throw a tantrum, but I couln't. I couldn't say that to you, because it wasn't true, it was the total opposite. I couldn't hate you or even dislike you. And that's what hurt. Having no control over my feelings and emotions, and wants. It was all in your hands.

It hurt knowing that you wanted to let me go. Just let it go. It hurt knowing that you hadn't even told me about these thhoughts or choices. I thought we had good communication going on. The last thing I want to do, is to make you feel obligated to stay with me for my sake. I don't want you to sacrifice you're happiness and life for me. I want us to be able to co-exist with an equal balance of give and take and a mutal love. So please, if this works, don't hold back from me. Talk to me. I hope this works, veyr very much, and I will do whatever it takes, I just don't think I can bare with the thought of not being able to see you, or to have to go back to being alone again. I need you and I want you to need me. I don't want to lose you. I love you.

Well I'm sorry, I need to sleep, I'm quite tired and exhausted and I know there is a lot more stuff I want to write and things I forgot, but oh well... oh and sorry for all the typos and lots of bad grammer, I swear my mind is fried right now. So I hope you have a great week. I might update this more, but I can't promise anything on this things. Leave me messages if you want or something.

January 27th 2001

I'm hungry. There is no food in my house. I think I should go out and get something. But I don't want to, I'm still in my pajamas. :::signs::: I don't even know. It's amzing how many things I've thought about the past two days or the past week actually. I've dedicated this weekend to just being incredibly fucked up beyond imagination. I went to a frat party last night, it sucked. I mean it was okay, if the dj didn't play the same songs in a loop, and if I knew more people, and if the weather wasn't bad, and the drive home didn't take an hour, and if I had drugs. But I did get wasted. That was a good thing. Well sort of. Until I stared to think about Him. And then that wasn't good. This chic and dude, saw me sitting on this couch, and came over and said it didn't look like I was having fun. I told him it looked like everyone was going to get laid. That's what frat parties are, horny college students, drinking, and looking for sex. So what do you do, if none of the guys catch your attention, and for that matter you don't catch their's. You sit there and smoke cigarettes, and drink. Healthy night it was.

I've decided I shouldn't write thiswebsite as if I was writing it all to you. And you know who you are. Even though you are the only one who reads this. So you're back to your title of- well I don't know. I guess I'll just call you him and Alan. That could work.

I was reading the paper yesterday and I found an article about the Howdy Doody puppet. The DIA sued the original puppet person who made the puppet or something, because he said he would give the museum the puppet. I don't know, but in the end a judge declared the puppet, property of the DIA. So the DIA has this Howdy Doody puppet, which wasn't the first puppet of the show, but actually the last puppet the show used when it went off the air, and they have a Kermit the frog puppet. And some others I don't remember. I wish they had them out to see. Don't they have like a collection and only display certain things, isn't that how the museum works? I don't know.

I was supposed to trip tonight. Another thing to take my mind of you, but I don't think I'm going to. We were going to get schrooms too, but I don't think that's going to happen. One week. One week, and today is one day since I've seen you. And a whole other week. I'm not going to tell you this cause I'm talking to you, but hehehe, I'm crying. It's not an upset crying, well maybe it is. You just told me you thought the cats might miss me... :( I miss them, and I miss you. Not knowing when I'm going to get to see you next is driving me crazy. I just want to see you....... but I'll wait for you.

I don't want to write anymore... I'll ....possibly...maybe...probably... write more later...

I hate my friends. Well right now I really dislike them. And it doesn't help when I have like two close friends. I think there is something wrong with me.... I think i should go to therapy. I think I should just be locked away and studied or soemthing. I'm fucked up. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of feeling sad and depressed, like I have this past week. I don't know where it comes from or anything. And I don't feel like I have control over it. I want things to go back the way they were... everything seems so different today.

I think this upcoming week is going to be a very lonely week...

... and even now, there's no one around to talk to. I'm talking to myself through this. As if that makes anything ever better. It only makes it worse. I should bundle up and go have a cigarette... I really want a joint or something that will knock me out for a month, so I can just wkae up and everything will be fine. A new begining or something. And sometimes I just feel like I'm spiraling out of control, and have nothing to stop me or hold me up, and while I'm just acting on my natural emotions and thoughts, I end up digging a hole for myself...a rather large hole, one that takes a great period of time to climb out of.

My dogs are barking at me... cause they can hear me crying all the way downstairs... how pathetic. My dogs... love me. :) They're so cute...

I'm just a spaz... that's all. The cigarette helped a little bit. I just have meaningless ramblings and I expect too much from everyone, except for myself. That's all. I'm going to take a hot bath, and then I'm going to bed.

January 28th 2001

I'm feeling better, much much better. That bath was great, so was the nice 5 hour nap I took(even if I'm still up and kicking it for the next couple of hours). I'm crazy. I feel bad for unleashing all that earlier on the site, but it's good to have an outlet, for me to voice these terrible tantrums, instead of on an actual person. This website, I think is just an extension of myself. This is me, these are my thoughts. So I don't know. I'm just tired of this all, I'm supposed to be a happy person, so when I'm not, I'm at an all-time low. It's just a matter of time before I get back up. So now, I feel incredibly stupid for lashing out at Tia and Alan and myself for my own shortcomings. I think I need to control my temper a little bit, well maybe not my temper, but my emotions. Maybe as much as I like to go out and be active, I should allow nights like this to myself, well I am alone, and have this time to relax and not worry about a thing.

Hmmm... I'm a bit scared. I'm afraid, Alan, yes you if you actually read this, I'm afraid that you might change your mind at any time. I'm afraid you're going to decide that it is better to eliminate me from you life, even if for the time being, but at all. If you could so easily make the decision once already, whose to say that it's not to happen again. I know I should trust you. I know I should trust us, but it's just getting over this fear. I do trust us, and believe in this relationship, because I have from the start. Not since the very very begining have I ever doubted this or my feelings for you. Not even now, cause I know this can work, I know that I can work with you, but that's always the problem in my relationships. I guess, I'm alwayws willing to work things out no matter what awful thing that other person has done to me(not that Alan/you have done anything terrible to me, not at all, well except for that thing on Thursday, but that wasn't so bad), but it seems like the other person never wants to work it out. Lol, usually they say for my sake. And I fucking hate that bullshit, I'm breaking up with you cause I don't want to hurt you. Fuck that. That has to be the biggest lie, that any guy could ever tell a girl. Anyways, I'm totally off subject. Not that I really remember what the subject was. I don't know. I'm just curous about things. Do you miss me at all? Do you really want this to last? Do you feel you would be better off, without me in your life completely, well as a friend, but like that is anything real significant? Why didn't you talk to me about any of this? Do you really need just one week? one week exactly? Are we not going to talk during this week? What made you change you mind, and decide on just one week? Are we still together?

I don't know. I'm sorry for pushing the matter, and I hope that it's not a bad thing. My personal answers to those questions...yes(obviously)...yes(everything I see myself doing in the near future, I see myself doing it with you or having you there or soemthing like that, I'm not talking about forever, cause god I am still young, but now(and like I wrote yesterday, now is all that really matters)...no(I wouldn't be, and I hope you wouldn't be either)...I don't think that question is applicable to me...same here... and here...and here...and here... and I hope so.

So the bottom line. I love you. I miss you(er.. I dropped the whole damn -this is for me site- thing again... damnit). I want this to last.

Okay enough of that.

I took these silly tests today at The Spark, I've taken them, most of them before, but it's interesting to see, what's changed... I was 47% slut... I was either 50% or 52% or 55% bitch, pure, or greedy(I don't remember what precentage went to what, bt those are the percents, and those are the tests I took), also I took this sex test which said I was going to sleep with 6 people total, which would mean one more new lover, and that I will only love one of those people that I had sex with. And I took a death test, which stated that I would die October 10th, 2034 at the age of 53 by most likely cancer. Crazy shit that is. Hehehe.

I have so much homework to do tomorrow, I put it all off. Yuck. I'm just going to stay in my pajamas all day, clean up my room a bit and do homework. Fun. Fun.

So I hung out with my roommate from Central a few nights ago. It was damn near weird. It had almost been a whole year since Tia and I had seen her. Since she disappeared in April, but it felt just like normal. SHe left when I think the three of us were the closest, and she left right before Ryan came up, and she knew about all that happened between him and I, so we were all curious what was going to happen that weekend. Strangely enough, we had sex, I took his virginity, and that was that. No big deal anymore, but just the fact that it was something I never got to tell her about was weird. All the things that happened, the hamtser getting lost and then dying, court, everything and so much, I wanted to tell her but which didn't seem veyer important because it had been so long. I wonder if that's a sigh of change, I'm not sure, but it was great to see her again, and I do hope I get to hang out with her more.

I'm so pissed off at my friends. For the past two weeks, I've been getting up at going to work at 6:30, which means I get up at 4:30, and yet for the past two weeks, I have managed to get out and see them, well I slacked a little bit with work and school this week, but just a little bit. So anyways I look forward to my weekends greatly, because I can stay out late and sleep in, unlike them, who can during the week because their schedules aren't the same everyday. So all I want are Friday's and Saturday's to have fun. Now god-forbid any of them want to do the same. Here I am, during the week, stretching myself because I know if I don't hang out with them, eventually I'll hear about it, or get talked about, or get left out of other things, not that we do anything during the week, but get high and drive around all night. So one night I want to go to the bar, one night, but no... money is tight for everyone, no one has time, no one wants to go, and i have a little extra bit of money and I want to go, but no, we'll just get high and drive around like we do everynight. Maybe if people didn't spend all their god damn paychecks on weed, maybe they'd have some extra money. Well so lets go to the frat partyFriday night and Saturday, we'll spliut this hit of acid and trip. Okay sounds good to me, I wanted to be fucking wasted all weekend. Saturday comes around, and no one wants to do anything. Nothing at all. What kind of fucked up people go out everyday during the week, but stay home on a Saturday. My friends, of course. ANd it doesn't help that I have these comfort issues with people, like I'm comfortable around like 3 people right now, 3 people enough that I cna hang out with them, and not have to worry about feelings weird or uncomfortable. One i'm not seeing right now. And then that leaves Tia and Michele, and right now they're in a fever trying to climb up each other's asshole. I swear this happens like every two months. It's ridiculous. I know, it's probably me right. But like I'm not entitled to get pissed off or have an opinion on the matter, that might not be right, but at least it's my opinion. And if I try to express that opinion I got fucked over. So now them two probably had a great, lengthy conversation about me today. About what a hypocrite I am, such a cry baby, a selfish bitch. I'm sure of it, no doubt in my mind. Tia and I get into this stupid argument about hypocrisy today. I believe two of my closest friends, well wait. I don't want to say friends, cause I don't like one of them and the other is just a big hypocrite. And I hate that, I find she is a very hypocritcal person about friendships, something you shouldn't be in those kind of things. The other is just a raging bitch, who thinks she knows everythin, constantly lectures on things she's done yet the things she would do again, blah blah blah... you know important issues of hypocrisy, and Tia on the other hand wants to point on my levl of hypocrisy. "You do it too, like the other night, when you yelled at Eric about grabbing the joint from the back seat so I could grab it better, and I remember one night when someone kept calling my name to grab a joint and you didn't grab it for me." No what the hell is that. I think it's bullshit. I sit in the front seat a whole lot, so I know that part of that job is to grab the joint from the backseat for whoever is driving. And even if I forget cause I'm high, at least I'm aware of the job, unlike Eric who forgets every fucking time, cause the kid is fucked up, and every time you have to remind him that he has to do that. And anyways, how does fucking passing a joint have any relation to fucking friendships? huh? Veyr very little, not enough to even be discussed in the same conversation about hypocrisy. Bullshit. So anyways, supposed to trip tonight, with the hit, that I thought about for Norm, and I bought for Norm, who later paid me back for, which is now in Tia's posession cause I thought she would give it to Norm, who now feels as though it's hers, and not that I care, but if anything I have more right over it than her. And here she goes telling me we're going to trip, and she decides that she doesn't want to do anything. Oh and Michele isn't doing anything either. Fine fine. There are the two people that I feel comfortable with. And I'm sure we all know who the third one is. :::signs::: I'm sure this matter will pass,I just needed to unleash a bit of anger. I mean I would have taken the hit if I knew I was going to be home tonight. It would have made the evening a bit enjoyable and interesting.

Damn I've been writing a lot lately.

Well I desperately need to go to bed... It's nearing 4... and I still have shit to do to this site before I publish it and even think about going to bed... I'll probably be back tomorrow...

January 29th 2001

I'm okay. hehehe, well I'm more than okay. I'm doing pretty good. Things are working themselves back into order. I'm happy. I have Alan, my friends, and some good dope. I am a content person, now I just need some sleep, and I'll be happy... :)

January 31st 2001

:::signs::: I should just give up on thinking. Really, I do it too much, and I don't ever think positively. So it doesn't do me any good, I swear. I think that's why I'm a strong, opinionated person about marijuana. Think of one thing that stops you from thinking, or numb you to the point where you can think but it doesn't worry you, the thoughts don't haunt you. I'd likely say love. That does it too, it makes everything seem okay, or just makes you oblivious to everything. So there, there's two things. Pot and Love. I think it's probably the main ingredients to be a hippie. They were all about that... peace, love and happiness. I guess that's all the world needs. Hehehehehe... I'm so a dork! This is what happens when I don't want to think and try not think, and then I get all dumb and retarded.

I want a pickle. I just ate like 3 though.

I've decided to not give a fuck about anything. I'm going to get through school and I'm going to do what I got to do to make it as an artist, and the rest. Everything else I'm just going to let be and happen and flow.

My Color and Design/Drawing teacher... said the one way to get anywhere in the art community, is to have contacts. That's what I need to do, I need to begin to develop myself as an artist and make contacts. Yeah... I don't want to write anymore...

February 10th 2001

I think I'm destined to be alone. That's all. It's just my luck, my curse, and the one thing I fear the most. I'd die tomorrow if I could die knowing I was loved by someone and had someone. But then I'd die if I couldn't have anyone. Kinda a no-win situation if you ask me.

I'm not like you Alan, and I'm not like Angela. And I'm not going to be your friend after all this. We made love, and we were together. I was your girlfriend, and no where in there does it say friend or acquaintance. Simple as that.

I can't stop crying. All day, it's all I've done. And I'm sure there is more to come. I wasn't goiong to wear eye make-up tonight just in case I did cry, but then I figured I need to try and look good if I want to meet anyone... doubtful as it is. I don't meet people easily, if at all. The friends I have are friends I've had for years, or friends thatI've met through other friends. Probably like 2 are people I met myself.

I wonder why I never met your friends at all. I've wondered this as long as we were together. Sometimes I thought it was cause you were ashamed of me or my age, or if you didn't think I was good enough to meet anyone. You met my family, my friends. I don't know... doesn't matter anymore.

I was looking at Valentine's Day cards, and that's what made me realize how I feel and how I hate the holiday. I couldn't pick out a card, to express how I felt, cause I didn't know how I felt and most of all I didn't how you felt anymore.... another Valentine's Day and I don't have anyone.... I think it's a sign... I've never gotten flowers from anyone but my family, well except for Ryan, and like that meant anything.... I've never had anyone tell me that they love me and meant it, ever. I've never made love, I've just had sex. The latter two never happened until I met you....and it didn't work out, so does that mean those things never happened either? I don't know...

Did you know I reached the lowest point some time before I met you, that a person could ever reach. I thought about suicide. Something I once tried for rather immature and dumb reasons back when I was in 7th grade. I never ever was going to let myself reach that point ever again, but something, everything was wrong this last time. family problems, legal problems, friend problems, financial problems. I was alone at that time and I didn't have anyone to go to. Now I swear to myself I will never get to that point again, I have my friends back, and I can get myself out of this financial mess that I'm in, and once school is over I will get the legal matter taken care of. I'm trying to better myself. At first I thought it was to be for you. If you were trying to better your life then I should too so I could be at an equal part in our relationship. And now I have to do this all for myself.

I need to learn to do things for myself. That everything I thought that I should do and suceed in was in preperation for us to work and last, should now be for me.

February 11th 2001

I started my first website up at Central, I started it to let loose some curiousity, rage, thought, and all sorts of feelings and emotions. I created it for my friends at home to see what was going on in my life even though we were so far apart, and I created it for any one person whom I might have met, to share my insides with, I always thought it would be great to have a journal and later share it with whomever was closest to me, hopefully a significant other or something. I created this website, to replace the other's design, and to get rejuvenated again in writing and opening myself up to people. It was during this website that I actually found someone, and as time passed, and less and less of my friends came to the site, it became more and more like the journal I wanted before, and the only person who ever read it was the one person I always wrote about. ANd now I'm wondered if it is even worth it to keep this site going. I don't want to open myself up like that to him or anyone, but then again I do. I need this and I need to write. It's the best way I express myself. It's my best formof therapy. And I hope he still comes to read my thoughts and I hope that if or when I do meet someone else that he can read this too, and enjoy it, and understand me.

I don't want to go to sleep. I've always like the time right before I went to sleep, its when I think the most, when I daydream sort of, of where I want to be now or in the future, who I want to be sleeping next too, what I'm going to wear tomorrow. Last night instead I thought about him, and everything, that happened, and everything that's going to happen, and I cried myself to sleep. And when I woke up, I woke up to the same thoughts I had when I went to sleep, and I ended up crying. And I know tonight I'll cry myself to sleep again, cause I'll think about it more. I'm trying to deal with this, and I think I'm doing exceptionally well, unlike my other past relationships. I'm not exposing this side to my friends, I'm keeping it in to me.

I don't know what to do or where I want to go, and right now there is a part of me that is absolutely miserable. I guess you could say all of me is miserable, but I'm a good faker, hehe. No matter what I do from here on out, there is going to be a aprt of him in me, until I'm over it all, enough to let go. I don't know if this is even repairable, if there ever could be a future and I don't know if that's what I even want. I want Alan. Right now, that's who I want to be with, and right now I can't see myself with anyone else, and right now I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TRY and find anyone. Maybe I should be alone right now... but I don't want to be...